When i was in Middle School, i came up with a plan. simplest.
Get a Girlfriend, Graduate, Get married, Have Kids possibly by the time i'm 19 or 20. become a comic book artist. instead, here i am, hopelessly devoted to a woman whose Married, who said she still loved me, who hasn't talked to me in weeks, who has so much pain, who has to hold back from people how he really feels regarding anyone or anything.
instead i'm a joke to everyone, instead i need to deal with heartbreak from anyone who claims they love me, or they care about me. so-much-so that to the point me me even coming close to believeing it i know that they don't.
i used to believe when people would tell me anything. now i make people prove it. or i keep asking them what's on their mind expecting the answer to be "You"
this may be the rantings of someone whose lonely, but truthfully i don't give a shit anymore. i'm tired, i'm not where i wanted to be. i've been screwed over WAY to many times whether it be school or relationships, hell even family.
truthfully, i'm tired of being in relationships. why bother trying to get myself out there if i'm just going to be seen as a creepy rapist when all i do is say "hi". Why bother letting people in if they aren't even going to pay attention to the signals.
at church, there's someone who does care, mainly cause she's dealt with so much shit in her life she wants to be there for someone. hell i just want ONE ex to message me or whatever and tell me how sorry she is for hurting me. sadly though i know i would never believe her.
so, where am i now? i am, living with my Parents, working my ass off so i can pay bills and get what i need so i won't go crazy. i'm a joke to everyone, to both my Family and relationships i may have. i'm single so much so i have actually decided to give up on relationships. and i'm a charity case. i can't seem to get what i want out of life without it coming at a price. i can't smile without it going away. i can't hold anyone or even be happy.
i gotta wonder how sad it must be, for my exes to be able to move on, who HURT me, and yet they are happy and i'm here miserable. personally, i don't see why people think they're an expert on what makes other people happy when it worked for THEM. Them. Not ME. yet it worked for them, Kudos for that, but they shouldn't give advice for what worked for them. unless they spent a year or so miserable cause no one gave two shits about them, hurt several times, and finally was able to be happy, til even that was taken away. gets treated like a joke, treated like a human sex toy, treated like a villian CONSTANTLY and has to push people away JUST so he wouldn't get hurt again. frankly, personally, i'd be more surprised if people actually kept to plans. sure i understand the circumstances of work and shit, but don't fuckin stand me up when you say you'll be there.
i'm to the point of where i wouldn't even say "I Love You Too" again. i'm just... yeah...